When I'm not obsessing about my weight, there are some other equally funny things I'm thinking about. Like, you know, death.

'Round about this time every year, I look out my window at my backyard, kind of a scraggly mess with grass, and I decide again that something needs to be done.

What does this have to do with death? Well, while I'm thinking about the backyard, I notice that the cats have left smudges on the window, and I think, darn, I need to clean off the smudges so I can look outside and obsess about whether I'll ever get around to fixing up the backyard before I die. See: Obsession with death.

Anyway, you've probably seen all those "100 Things to Do Before You Die" lists. Obviously, duh, I can't list 100 things in this column. And anyway, at this age, I've already done a couple or three of those things, like, OK, I've already been to Disneyland. And besides, I probably won't live long enough to do all 100. So I'll start small. Here are a few of them:

• Train teenager. When it's midnight and my bedroom is dark, I'm probably sleeping. Not the time to burst into the room and ask for money due to the fact that I'm sleeping.

• Plant things that might actually grow. Strangle the Jolly Jump-Up Plant, or whatever that purple plant is that's taking over the yard. Get advice besides looking at sign on Jolly Jump-Up Plant at grocery that says suitable for Colorado's climate, $1.

• Stop watching mindless television late at night. At this point, I could probably solve most crimes without getting off the couch.

• Use that big red exercise ball. The one that sits next to the couch on which I'm solving crimes.

• Turn off the TV set whenever news about Anna Nicole Smith comes on.

• Feel sorry for the folks at Entertainment Tonight who are reduced to reporting on Anna Nicole Smith over and over with "this- just-in" kind of importance. Recommend the movie Groundhog Day for Mary Hart and crew.

• Forgive the young person who told me that her mother is an older person, "you know, like you." Also forgive the person who told me that "you wouldn't want to be as skinny as Sarah Jessica Parker." Stop eating cereal all day at my desk so I can be as skinny as Sarah Jessica Parker.

• Learn the secret to ironing a tablecloth. One night last week, I pulled out the iron and the ironing board, blew dust off both. Found out that no matter which way I turned cloth, it still looked like I hadn't done anything.

• Buy new tablecloth even after I learn the secret. Life's too short. June Cleaver is dead.

• Send sister a birthday card that doesn't celebrate the fact that she's older than I am. Very fond of the card that says, "You're old. See you, Bye, Bye." Instead send card that says "Everyone told her she was pretty, especially when she had the kitchen knife in her hand."

• Compare "Things to Do Before I Die" with sisters'. Assume we will have the same list. When it comes to obsessions, we like to share. It's a family thing.