Duane Morrison chose the one place he says he felt safe - inside the protective walls of a school - to live out his last moments.

In a letter that gave little hint of the horror he was about to inflict upon seven teenage girls and their quiet foothills community, the 53-year-old gunman detailed a childhood that he said was filled with "constant fear and occasional terror."

The 14-page letter, written to his siblings the day before his deadly rampage at Platte Canyon High School, does not spell out why Morrison would have chosen a classroom to unleash his own brand of fear.

FBI analysts said he may have felt the ironic choice was significant - or he may simply have seen it as a "soft target."

The lack of an answer to that question, and many others, left law enforcement officials scratching their heads.

"School was your safety zone," Detective Amy Franck said. "Why would you want to make it unsafe?"

'Not a suicide note'

Morrison's letter was made public Tuesday as part of law enforcement's official findings on the Sept. 27 siege. Morrison died after killing young hostage Emily Keyes and shooting himself. He was also shot by SWAT officers who had stormed the classroom.

"This is not a suicide note or a diary," Morrison wrote. "This is my idea about the way things are and why they are."

The document, mailed just hours before he attacked the school, paved several avenues into the mind and mood of a man the FBI called "a significantly depressed individual whose mental state may have been deteriorating rapidly."

Though Morrison wrote that he first remembered thinking about suicide on his 21st birthday and that "sometime in my mid to late twenties, I began to loose (sic) touch with reality," his world may have started careening out of control much earlier.

Four of the letter's notebook-ruled pages allude to abuse that he says occurred at the hand of his father, Bob Morrison.

"Some people will say that I may have had a terrible childhood," he wrote. "Actually I had no childhood at all. It was stolen from me. Taken before it began. Replaced by constant fear and occasional terror."

Morrison concluded the paragraph by asking, "Why would any parent mentally and physically abuse a child."

Morrison did not specify what form the abuse took, telling his siblings, "I know all of you love him so I won't go into any details of what happened."

But he emphasized that he tried never to be in the same room with his father and how, when the two were alone in the house, he would hide.

On those occasions when his father "would come right for me as soon as he saw me," Morrison wrote, "terror was then replaced by something I don't think I can put into words . . . I would shake from head to toe my stomach in knots and my heart pounding, preparing for his temper to be unleashed on me."

Bob Morrison was unavailable for comment. Reached at their home in Oklahoma, Billie Halstead, Bob Morrison's wife and stepmother to Duane Morrison, said, "I never met Duane. I don't know him. I don't know anything about what he might be talking about, and I'm not talking about it anymore."

Other family members have previously declined to comment.

In his letter, Morrison himself raises questions about whether his memories can be trusted.

"I have no idea whats (sic) real and whats (sic) not real," he said.

'Thoughts and urges'

Morrison wrote that in the early 1990s, "thoughts and urges began entering my mind. These were easier to control at first but now seem to run my life, going in and out of my mind at will.

"I have no idea what life is about. I have no idea why I'm alive."

At times, the letter had an ominous tone. "I know that awful things will be said about me, and I hope this doesn't cause any pain or hurt to any of you."

But Morrison said he saw his "suicide" as a "release from an empty and painful life that has never had any meaning for me. My last moment will be painless."

Excerpts of Duane Morrison's letter to his siblings

• "I know the way things will end will hurt many and I'm terribly sorry. Once I knew the way things were going to end up, I thought I better try to explain the way things were in my mind."

• "I'm sure all of you have noticed over the years that I had problems. On my 21st birthday, I remember thinking about suicide seriously for the very first time."

• "I've lately begun to wonder why 'he' (your father) chose me to be the 'one.' Do any of you know? Did he ever tell anyone or did I do something wrong as a baby?"

• "School was nice. I was safe at school. For part of the day I could almost relax. For six or seven hours, I was out of 'his' reach."

• "Wherever we lived, whichever house we had, I always had a certain spot to go to. It would be in one of the corners, some place where I couldn't be seen if he were walking down the hall."

• "I was always afraid to close the bedroom door, as he would know I was in there. I know all of you love him so I won't go into any details of what happened. If I remained quiet, no noise, no music, not a sound I was usually safe. But not always."

• Referring to his arrest in an ongoing dispute with the Rocky Mountain Harley Davidson store, "If things go as planned, I will try to make someone at the H.D. shop pay!"

• "Today may have been one of the saddest days of my life."

• "Things are getting pretty close to the end now. I figure about a week is all I have left."

• "I miss all of you so much already. It's a terribly hurtful, empty, tearful pain inside me knowing I will never see any of you again."

• "To me suicide is finally a release from an empty and painful life that has never had any meaning for me. I'm tired of living, and for the last 15 years or so I'm tired of living in pain. Constant pain . . . My last moment will be painless."

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