March Madness creeps at its petty pace, and for those who have not kept up, fortunately, there are just as many answers as there are questions.

Q: Are we finally on the Road to the Final Four?

A: We are at the last rest stop, but the washroom is being cleaned.

Q: Why is it called Hoops?

A: The inventor of college basketball was A. James Hoops who had, just a week earlier, changed his name from A. James Schnauzer.

Q: Is it possible that Florida and Ohio State will play for the national basketball title just like they did for the national football title?

A: If CBS has anything to say about it.

Q: How many sheep must go naked in order to knit Bobby Knight a sweater?

A: One of the islands of New Zealand; the large one.

Q: What does Big East mean?

A: Hide your wallet in your sock.

Q: Why are so many college basketball players named Brandon?

A: Because calling them Escalade would be too obvious.

Q: Why does Dick Vitale act like that?

A: Vitale lives under the constant threat of being taken hostage by aliens if he does not, at all times, shout at the top of his voice in strange tongues.

Q: Which teams should have gotten into the 65-team tournament field and which teams should have been left out?

A: Xavier, Arkansas, Illinois and Stanford must have pictures of the selection committee at the beach. Syracuse, Drexel, Kansas State and Air Force should just show up anyhow and dare someone to not let them play.

Q: What does Air Force have to do to get into the NCAA Tournament?

A: Build bigger cockpits.

Q: Who invented the Alley Oop?

A: Og and Ivana Oop.

Q: Whatever happened to the jump ball?

A: The NBA lost it at the craps table in Las Vegas.

Q: Why do colleges play 20-minute halves instead of 10-minute quarters?

A: Because college players cannot divide by four without getting a remainder.

Q: Who will be the better pro player, Florida's Joakim Noah or Ohio State's Greg Oden?

A: Kevin Durant of Texas.

Q: How do colleges select who is going to wear the ugly mascot suit?

A: They line up all the pre-law students and see which one has the shortest attention span.

Q: What are the eligibility rules for transferring from one college to another?

A: It is OK if Mike Krzyzewski says it is OK.

Q: How did Duke end up way down there as a sixth seed?

A: Spite, according to Duke.

Q: Is it true that Texas A&M has two basketball teams in the tournament?

A: There is Texas A and there is Texas M, so I suppose together that makes two.

Q: Is the basketball equivalent of football's Heisman Trophy the John Wooden Award?

A: It is a seven-figure pro contract following the freshman year.

Q: Is the three-point shot more exciting than the slam dunk?

A: Only to the School of Accounting.

Q: Why do so many schools go on probation after winning a championship?

A: It is on the road map back from the White House.

Q: Why do they cut down the nets?

A: Because they would have to borrow a Wisconsin player to rip them out by their roots.

Q: Do the Albany Great Danes have any chance at all?

A: Only at the Westminster Kennel Club.

Q: What do those arrows at the scorer's table mean?

A: Whether the team in the lead is beating the point spread or not.

Q: Do all college basketball coaches have to act like they are not old enough to cut up their own meat?

A: They have only recently been allowed to dress themselves.

Q: Is it more horrible to get trapped in a stalled elevator with a fan from Indiana or from North Carolina?

A: The Constitution has a law against both.

Q: Who is able to tell the difference between Kansas and Missouri?

A: No one.

Q: Which are the freshmen to watch?

A: The ones driving the brand new Pathfinders.

Q: If college basketball has a championship tournament, why does it need to have weekly rating polls?

A: So Marquette can get its name in the paper.

Q: Have cheerleaders gotten more athletic than the players?

A: Let's leave Colorado out of this.

lincicomeb@RockyMountainNews.com

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