The suits responsible for the world's advertisements recognize that there are many paths to the one goal: separating us from our disposable income.

The specifics of the process are academic. They sold with last century's Burma Shave billboards, roadside shills shouting punch lines miles in advance of the joke/sales pitch. They sold with those Calvin Klein commercials populated by angular, white- clad models on swings talking like characters from Last Year at Marienbad.

But whether they were yell or whisper, corny joke or postmodern construct, a disconnected observer could always step back, think for a second and say, "Yeah, sure, I can see how that would sell (toilet paper, razors, snack food, ammunition)."

Up until the arrival of LowerMy Bills.com. Everything changed when this nefarious group of mortgage lenders (you could have a $510,000 home loan for under $1,698 a month!) began bombarding computer terminals worldwide with a series of maddeningly incongruous images.

There are a few dozen cartoon babies, all nodding the same direction. There's a dreadlocked girl in headphones swaying in place to imaginary music. There's a bear dipping into a honey pot. There's a silhouette of people jigging on a rooftop. There's even a sheep in a tuxedo getting calculate new payment sheared onto its side.

But even if we find ourselves, like blogger Rogers Cadenhead, wrenching on our computers to stop the onslaught (he "realized the dancing mortgage people were eliminating all rational thought," according to an article in The New York Times), the simple, depressing fact is that those suits still know exactly what they're doing.

Because that very same story cites the sale of LowerMyBills to credit agency Experian two years ago for $400 million, the kind of money that only follows success. LowerMyBills' co-founder and chief executive, Matt R. Coffin, was also quoted as saying, "One thing we will probably expand to the nth degree are the dancing-silhouette ads. It's a great opportunity to double down on a proven winner."

Surreality shocks. Even after the universe got wired, Internet advertising didn't stray too far from its old-media antecedents. There were those annoying pop- ups, sure, but how different were they from our local Pizza Hut radio spots a few years back? You know, with the Denver-area phone number (751-1111, and yes, there's a kickback attached to that plug) set to the William Tell Overture?

Decades from now, folks who otherwise wouldn't recall their own birthdays will be humming numbers to themselves over their drool cups.

Next to that, having the Frontier animals jump onto your computer screen for a few seconds barely even provokes the Irritation Scale (developed and monitored by the hard-working scientists of the Charo Institute) to flick its needle.

Now that needle is buried. To say LowerMyBills' ads annoy is to expect more from the word annoy. These ads infuriate. They boggle. There's just something about the complete disconnect that offends whatever animal part of our brain is assigned to non sequiturs. Babies? Why do cartoon babies sell home mortgages? Why is the sheep in a tuxedo?

Coffin may know his business, but he sounds like someone you'd feel dirty sitting next to at a roulette wheel, the dude who puts his rented companion up as a marker.

It's up to us to make sure we aren't that trollop left at the table. And we can by taking a stand against this blatant thought-mockery. Let's hold our mortgage dollars tight until we get some ads that make sense. Stop the madness!

Internet madness

Fed up with those wacky online mortgage ads? Or do you actually think they're sort of cute? Cast your vote online at:

RockyMountain News.com / drmn/spotlight

Diet doughnuts?

Last week we asked if you were going to try Krispy Kreme's new low-calorie doughnut or refuse to eat something healthy from the place you've come to count on for a guilty pleasure. You said:

• Yes! 46.4 percent said low-calorie doughnuts are a great idea.

• No! 53.6 percent said doughnuts aren't for dieting.

netha@RockyMountainNews.com or 303-954-2563