The beautiful people who live in Malibu, Calif., don't call it a city; they refer to Malibu as a "colony," as if the residents are all pilgrims who have journeyed to the New World to practice freedom of plastic surgery.

They hire guards to patrol the beaches, not because it's private property - it's state land - but because the residents don't want anyone on their beaches who might be unsightly. The lone highway through Malibu actually has a servants' entrance.

I was recently in Malibu on a 48-hour visa and was fascinated by the news reporting about a large fire consuming several multimillion-dollar homes along the coastline, broadcast live by a ridiculously attractive news team.

Reporter: "Dirk, I'm standing here live while brave firemen battle this blaze despite the fact that they haven't had lattes in several hours."

News anchor: "Anything our viewers can do?"

Reporter: "Well, the fire chief emphasizes he doesn't want a bunch of homely people coming down here to the scene, but any celebrities are certainly welcome. And I have here with me a man named Blue, who was one of the first people to see the fire. Blue, you're a full-time resident, right?"

Blue: "No, my trust fund doesn't kick in until I'm 35, so I just hang here at the beach. Oh, and it's pronounced "Blue," but it's spelled Bluhe. My name used to be not a word at all but just the color, but in school they forced my parents to make it a word so it could be entered in the computer."

Reporter: "And Mr. Bluhe, is it your understanding that some people may be trapped in the fire?"

Blue/Bluhe: "Yes, but just gardeners and housekeepers, nobody important."

Reporter: "Well said. Dirk, there you have it, this fire could be endangering the lives of some domestic help, but not of any actual celebrities at this time, though I want to point out that could change depending on the decisions of publicists."

News anchor: "And speaking of hot, here's a picture of Pamela Anderson in a bikini. She does live in Malibu, so that's a valid segue."

Reporter: "Yes it is."

News anchor: "If you want to see more pictures like these, you can go to our Web site, because photographs of Pamela Anderson is what the Internet is for."

The reporter then spoke to two nannies, who had arrived at the fire site in their employer's Humvee to find the dwelling in flames. They were introduced as the "First-Position Nanny" and the "Second-Position Nanny," though there didn't appear to be any actual kids in the area. I guess the Second-Position Nanny was hired in case of an unforeseen development, such as the unexpected presence of children.

Reporter: "And our hearts go out to these brave nannies, who have discovered that all the best hotels in the area are booked and may have to spend the night in a four-star or even a three- star establishment."

News anchor: "Life can be cruel. What about the people we care about?"

Reporter: "Some of the local celebrities will be homeless, as least as second homes go."

Graphic on screen: "The Second-Homeless"

Reporter: "And Dirk, I should tell you that while the firefighter presence seems sufficient, we do not yet have enough lawyers on the scene. Also, there is a danger of running out of water."

News anchor: "Couldn't the firefighters use the swimming pools for reservoirs? I saw that once on an episode of CSI Redundant."

Reporter: "Incredibly, some of these beachfront homes do not have swimming pools. We're not sure why."

News anchor: "This is a terrible tragedy. In your opinion, isn't this worse than Hurricane Katrina, in some ways?"

Reporter: "Yes. These are very rich people; this shouldn't happen to them. The fire doesn't know the quality of the homes it is burning, nor does it understand how vital to the community are the people who live there occasionally. That's why we hate fire, though as a journalist, I'm neutral and objective."

Eventually the fire was out, the firemen were given their lattes and the news reporter went off to get a quote on the tragedy from an expert . . . Pamela Anderson.

Write to Bruce at bruce@wbrucecameron.com.

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