Step right up, folks! The publicity circus is under way

Sometimes, sitting in this seat feels as if I've bought a front-row ticket to the biggest circus in America. As the press releases roll in, one more outrageous than the next, you have to wonder if we're talking about books - or rather, have just entered the tent with the 500-pound tattooed lady.

The sales pitches are more amusing than the reads.

Recently, for example, I received notice about an author planning an appearance in Denver. After explaining that he's been on TV and in the press, he hits me with his real selling point: "As a former bank robber turned professional speaker and best selling author you will see I have very unique programs and insight and no one is out there with a message quite like mine."

Former bank robber turned professional speaker? Talk about burying the lead.

He's probably got great advice, but why do I get the distinct feeling I'm dealing with Chris Farley's old Saturday Night Live character - a motivational speaker who lives in a van down by the river?

If I go to that event, I'll be sure to double-bolt my front door first.

Then there's this press release, from an author who's grasping for a clever way to lure me into his tent. He grabs the biggest name he can think of. "So," begins his pitch, "does Barack Obama have what it takes to be the next President of the United States, according to the new book The Success Code?"

Read further and you realize the book probably has nothing to do with Obama. It's all about the five components of success (such incredibly original ideas as using vision and taking action - now why didn't I think of that?). But hey, Obama's name catches an eye.

Call it the ol' bait and switch.

And finally, there's this release that starts off well enough, but soon lets me down like a magician who pulls a rat instead of a rabbit out of his hat. "What's a guy to do when he's 'dated and made love to some of the most desirable, beautiful starlets in Hollywood' but still can't find love?"

OK. I'll bite. Who? George Clooney? Brad Pitt? Paul Newman?

Three strikes at the moving target and I'm out. Turns out this lonely Lothario is Scott Baio, at right, otherwise known as "Chachi" from Happy Days. As Dave Barry would say, I'm not making this up.

And here's the clincher: The book that's going to tell me all about how Baio's bedded everyone from Pamela Anderson to Liza Minnelli hasn't even been published yet. The press release notes that Baio's "shopping around" his tell-all BaioWatch: How I Dated and Loved Hollywood's Most Beautiful Women and Ended Up Alone. Which is the equivalent of the tattooed man giving you a peek at his pinky, then telling you there's more where that came from - someday.

It's all making me crankier than the bearded lady looking into a mirror, the dancing bear forced to wear an itchy tutu, the . . .

OK. I'll stop with the lame circus references. But it won't be easy. When you're dealing with a bunch of clowns, those metaphors just keep coming out of the car.

DEATH AND DINNER

Philip Roth has won an unprecedented third PEN/Faulkner award for his novel Everyman, the story of a man's physical decline and ultimate death. (Roth also won in 1994 for Operation Shylock and in 2001 for The Human Stain.) If you haven't read Everyman, this is a good time to reconsider. Roth's brutally honest look at aging is truly something to behold - though I must warn you: You won't find any uplift here. My advice is to read it, then head out for a steak dinner. Why? Because you still can.

PAPER CLIPS

David Mitchell's novel Black Swan Green inspired raves when released last year. Rocky critic Ashley Simpson Shires noted then that the story of a young boy's coming of age was a powerful read, marked by "gorgeous language" and "pitch-perfect dialogue." It's just out in paperback from Random House, $13.95.