I can think of several reasons not to visit Florida this time of year, such as heat, humidity and Orlando. But according to a recent New York Times article, visitors to the Geriatric State (official slogan: "Stay Alert - We're As Good At Driving As We Are At Voting") must also be on the lookout for aerial attacks from gigantic flying fish.

Apparently, parts of Florida still haven't been paved to provide parking for theme parks. Some of these areas contain gulf sturgeons, fish that can grow up to 8 feet long, weigh up to 200 pounds and like to dive-bomb people when they're least expecting it (which is always, because who watches out for attacking fish by looking up?).

Experts say that if you're ever in Florida, coming out of a Wal-Mart, and you get hit in the head by a 200-pound fish, you should fall down. But the odds of this happening are lower than you might think: There are only 203 Wal-Marts in the state, slightly more than one for every pound of sturgeon. Also, there's never been a report of a sturgeon attempting to do any discount shopping. Instead, sturgeons spend the summer lounging around in the rivers, waiting for someone to come by in a boat so they can jump up and knock him overboard.

When a sturgeon has bagged five boaters, it's called an "ace." The sturgeons apparently don't launch air attacks on each other, though - at this point, at least, there have been no reported incidents of the fish in a dogfight.

The sturgeon mainly hang out way down upon the Suwannee River, far, far away. No one knows why they leap into the air - maybe they are trying to evolve into eagles. What is known is if you're speeding down the Suwannee River at 40 knots and an 8-foot fish jumps up and breaks your bones, you hit it, not the other way around. All boaters have to do to prevent injury is slow down, but apparently most of them feel the only way they can enjoy the peaceful riverbank is to roar past as fast as possible.

Several solutions have been proposed to address the dangers of gulf sturgeons, such as requiring that all visitors to Florida take an intelligence test. However, people traveling to Florida in July have already failed an intelligence test. Another idea is to prohibit boating in parts of the river where sturgeon are known to do their aerial acrobatics, but this is bitterly opposed by boaters. They are mad that there are "manatee protection zones," which boaters claim "spoil their fun" by restricting their ability to run over manatees.

The Times reports that a number of people have suggested that the state of Florida kill all the fish, because to enjoy nature you have to destroy it. Also, the fish have been around since before Barney and the other dinosaurs and are not very attractive, with long, whiskered snouts (picture Prince Charles with a mustache). They are covered with bony-looking armored plates to protect them from anti-aircraft fire. You can't eat them - they taste like a tractor. Boaters report that running over them isn't nearly as much fun as hitting a manatee. So what good are they?

Maybe we should drain the Suwannee and be done with them. We could refill the river with chlorinated water and charge people to go on the "Scary Fish Ride" with fake sturgeons lunging out of the sky ("plastic sturgeons"). With the profits, we could give folks in Florida what they really want: more Wal-Marts.

Or maybe we should leave the ancient, threatened species alone, since they don't seem to be deliberately attacking people, not even people on noisy Jet Skis, who deserve to be attacked.

All we have to do is just slow our boats down. It's not brain sturgery.

Write to Bruce at bruce@wbrucecameron.com.