Life in prison without parole is a long time.

It was hard for Nathan Ybanez and Erik Jensen to imagine when they were 16.

It's impossible for them to accept at 24.

Both are serving life sentences for killing Ybanez's mother.

But neither plans to grow old and die behind bars.

"If this is my fate just to spend this existence like I am in here, which is a lot of torment, a lot of anguish and frustrations," Ybanez said, "I'd rather just cease to exist."

Ybanez said it's against his personal code to commit suicide.

But both Ybanez and Jensen said they might provoke situations in which they are killed by others.

"Most kids really do not plan on being here that long. Most dudes say either, 'I'm out,' or 'I die trying,' make them kill you or something like that," Jensen said.

"When you've got something to live for, yeah, dying sounds like it sucks," he said. "But once you've been down here long enough with this whole thing hanging over your head, dying's not scary anymore."

Despite their fatalistic views, both inmates are determined to better themselves in hopes of a different life in the future - and a means of maintaining sanity behind prison walls.

Ybanez writes stacks of dark poetry, quotes Aristotle and studies world religions.

Jensen has written five fantasy novels, one of which was just published by his parents. He also dispenses advice on a Web site set up by his parents to help abused teens before they turn to violence.

Ybanez was 16 and Jensen was 17 in 1998, when they murdered Julie Ybanez. Prosecutors said both participated in the killing. Ybanez and Jensen say Jensen was there but only helped remove the body.

Ybanez, now 23, said he killed his mother after years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse - allegations that did not come out during his trial but now form the basis of the killers' appeals.

Julie Ybanez was at her townhome in Douglas County on June 5, 1998, when she was clubbed and strangled with fireplace tongs bent around her neck.

Nathan Ybanez was arrested early the next day as he was dumping his mother's body in Daniels Park near Sedalia. Her body was wrapped in a blood-soaked rug and stuffed headfirst in a sleeping bag, her feet sticking out the end. Her face was covered with plastic wrap.

Ybanez now says he wishes he had left home for good and avoided the confrontation that ended his mother's life.

He describes a chaotic home life in which his parents repeatedly stormed into his room in the middle of the night, threw him into the car and drove him places, including a military school in Missouri where they threatened to send him. His father said that happened only once. Prosecutors argued this was the motive for the murder.

Being sent to prison, Ybanez said, was a "relief."

"I felt better off in prison afterward than I had in my previous life before," he said. "Prison is a very bad place. It's worse than most places, but that's definitely still how I feel."

Jensen, 24, who grew up in affluent neighborhoods with supportive parents, felt anything but relief when he was incarcerated. "That was the scaredest I've ever been in my whole life," he said.The first night in jail, he said, he awoke to find an inmate on top of him repeatedly pleading, "Mom, quit hitting me, quit hitting me!"

By the time he was sent to prison, Jensen dreaded the future painted by more experienced inmates.

"They tell you the first thing that's going to happen is they'll send someone in to kick your (expletive). If you don't fight, they will terrorize you forever. If you do fight, you've basically signed yourself up for a lifetime of fighting and drama. At the same time, you still may get raped by a bigger, badder dude than you," Jensen said.

Ybanez and Jensen have had little contact with each other since their convictions, but before the killing, the two were best friends - playing in their band, Trouble Bound.

"We thought we owned the world," Jensen said.

When he was a kid, Ybanez said, he dreamed of becoming an archaeologist. Jensen said his dreams were those of a typical 17-year-old: "I just wanted to get out of my house, to live on my own."

Both are bright and articulate, but their personalities are very different.

Described by Jensen's parents as sweet, charming and withdrawn before the murder, Ybanez now has a dark, brooding manner and a penetrating stare. He seldom smiles and gives stark, direct answers during lengthy interviews with a reporter.

"My parents dictated the way I thought, what emotions I could have and when I could have them," Ybanez said. "Nothing was in my control. I think emotions are very precious and priceless things. I don't share them with very many people, only with people I feel deserve them."

By contrast, Jensen has retained his cocky, self-confident persona. He describes inmates as if he were a sociologist.

"Most dudes in the joint are a predator of some sort. There's a lot of sociopath-type personalities here," he said.

Jensen said he fought a lot when he first came to prison to show that he wouldn't be a victim. He spent almost two years in 23-hour lockdown at the Colorado State Penitentiary before working his way out to the Arkansas Valley Correctional Facility."Especially when you're a young kid, decent-looking from suburbia and all that - that's a hot commodity to all the predators in the joint."

The worst part of every day, Jensen said, is waking up. At night, he dreams he is on the streets.

"There's always that one or two seconds when I wake up where I'm not sure I'm in prison, and then I get that realization that I am. That's the worst part of my day."

Ybanez said what he misses most about life outside prison is "the sense of possibility. You're totally free, so each day could bring something totally amazing into your life. Who knows who you could meet or what you could be doing or the things you could experience?"Instead, the inmates must conform to a routine that Ybanez describes as repetitious and mind-numbing.

"Ninety-five percent of the time I feel disconnected from everybody else," Ybanez said.

He once tried to glue a guard's door shut and spent more than a year in solitary for helping another inmate's escape attempt. But he says being alone in a cell 23 hours a day isn't such a bad thing.

He yearns for quiet time in the prison yard at the Sterling Correctional Facility.

"Occasionally, very rarely, I'll allow myself to go out and sit on the grass right in the middle of the yard when there's not a lot of people out there and it's not so loud, it's kind of quiet," he said. "I'd say that's my favorite place here. I listen to the silence, look at the openness. You don't get that very much here."

On his own Ybanez has studied philosophy, psychology, physics, chemistry, mathematics, mythology and world religions, obtaining most of his books through interlibrary loans. He is studying Buddhism and has been reading Healing Anger by the Dalai Lama.

He taught himself French and Spanish and is learning Russian and Chinese. He learned to read and write Hebrew for his religious studies.

Ybanez has seen his father about once a year since he was convicted, but the relationship is rocky.

Jensen gets weekly visits from his parents, who paid to publish his first fantasy novel. Jensen has written five books in longhand. Pat and Curt Jensen have spent years shuttling reams of his prose for typing and revisions.

"We are proud of what our son has been able to accomplish," Pat Jensen said. "We wish that it wasn't from behind prison walls, but we are proud of him. We are not ashamed."

Attorneys are working on appeals, but the two are wary of hope.

"I allow myself to have hope because my lawyer has asked me to hope," Ybanez said. "For many years I didn't allow myself to entertain hope because hope is a weakness. You open yourself up to failure and you feel pain."Jensen said he assumes his appeals will fail.

"At first I kept thinking I would get out any day. And then I didn't," he said. "We kept hoping and hoping and hoping, and we just kept getting them smashed. That made it too hard. It hurt. I really hope that I do get out, but if it happens, it will probably floor me."

As he waits, the Web site - www.nextdayfoundation.com- that Jensen's parents helped him set up offers his advice to abused teens.

"Before it ever gets to the point where you fear for your life or are contemplating taking someone else's life, get help. The road Nate and I traveled is a frightening lonely one with no U-turns."

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